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- 10 -


Sent: Monday, February 7, 2006 15:28 (MESZ)
Subject: PUBLIC NOTE

---- Last modified December 22, 2007 18:59 (MESZ) ----
---- Last vision update March 2, 2018 11:27 (MESZ) ----


~ 10:3 ~
 

 

THE EXPOSING OF MY OWN PSYCHOTIC EXPERIENCE

- I AM THAT I AM + MEANT TO BE? -

KNOWING SEEKING
WHOLENESS


 

ACTION REFLECTION




 


 

- Introduction -

First of all I'd like to clarify, that everything I'm writing here, reflects solely my very own experience and how I personally deal with it. I believe in objectivity, but no one should claim to be in possession of it. It's matter of our own responsibility, whom and what we love to believe. Society is based upon some sort of consensus about what is right or wrong, but majorities also tend to err, especially in corruptive ways. The specifics of my experience are, that I had "only" visual "hallucinations," i. e. I never heard any kind of voices in my head. That's the reason why it's almost impossible for me to talk about it. And so I've collected many pictures in order to ease that communicative effort. I'd generally say, my experience touches religion, visionary art and the complex relation between the sexes. Maybe I'd have to include some psychedelic lyrics in order to communicate that. Yes, it's very much about "Words Don't Come Easy".
 


...authentic petrified narciss...
 

- Definitions -

The first controversial issue is about whether a psychosis is a disease to be cured or not? I can't speak for all types of psychosises, but for me the question is whether this world is a sick place? So a psychosis could be considered as a reaction to the sickness of the world. But, is it a sick and "worthless" reaction and how could that contribute to some sort of healing, this planet I presume in need of? Spoken for myself, I'd say the psychosis has not changed my personality, but my view and consciousness of the reality. It has made me religous and that's a big change. Generally there is an opposite tendency, more and more people are losing faith. For me my new religous convictions have made life easier, because I've learned about boundaries - boundaries of personal responsibility and faith in god. Also there is another attitude towards death. It doesn't mean, that I've lost the "natural" inhibition to die, but it's just another attitude towards time and solitude. I don't have that pressuring feeling any more, of "having" to live in order not to miss something in this life. It's just "Take It Easy Baby, Take It As It Comes" and fully trusting the "own" inner feeling. But I wouldn't know how to convince anybody of god, who has never made such an experience. The easiest way to compare is with dreams. In both cases our conscious control, or "ego," is switched off and we receive some sort of consciousness expansion, that we have to process consciously afterwards. I'm still processing and so what I'm writing and exposing now, is just where I stand at this point of time. The trigger for me is in fact sleeplessness due to schizophrenic problems, where the mind can't provide a solution, i. e. it's a sleeplessness from within. So if you can't solve the problem, the problem will inevitably change your attitude towards it, or you'll get broken by it.
 

- Visions -

...virgin whore babylon...


This section contains some visual material collected, related to the problems. Yes, in order to understand "madness," one would have to understand the world and it's problems as a whole. I don't blame psychiatrists for their inability, but I do for their bold-faceness. First I have this collection of "Major Arcana" Tarot cards named FOOL'S JOURNEY EXODUS. The case is about believing in coincidence. We can believe in one of coincidence or in god, but we all remain eternal believers, because there can't ever be a proof of coincidence. Only god could prove himself and make an end to the suffering. That is also logical, because in order to distinguish between ourselves and god, we have to painfully experience our own incapacity, through which we learn to understand god and trust "him." That's no excuse for failure, it's just the way I honestly see it. Me for myself, I don't have any problem with such a view at all.

Here is a list of visions from presumed empathic perspectives grouped in pairs - somehow I seem to be addicted to group things in pairs. I also did some creative artwork on my own, but I destroyed it. My "mission" seems to be the combination of the existing, which for me anyway is god-given, like absolutely everything else. It's just given from "outside," in that case, while the "own" creativity is given from "within." So for me we all don't possess anything but god's own reward, when by "coincidence" we are created by "him" to deserve it somehow.

  1. FOOL ON THE HILL 1
  2. FOOL ON THE HILL 2
     
  3. RAINBOW SERPENT
  4. WHITE SERPENT
     
  5. TRAITOR
  6. FOOL ON THE HILL 6
     
  7. EQUINOX
  8. FOOL ON THE HILL 8

- Conclusion -

...all you need is "eyes" that see...


Psychosis remains a phenomenon, especially for people affected by it. I believe, that the proof of right and wrong can only be provided by god. So I have no solution, which I could act out upon, but I presume having some understanding of how god acts and I have faith and optimism in a good outcome for the world as a whole. My effort to communicate the experience is limited, because the visions and intuitions go beyond comprehension. This is logical, because god has his own plans and we are not to prevent them. I'm just "doing" what I can, in order to be part of something positive and it's by anyone to recognize something positive in what I'm doing. But no one can claim to be the master of his fate, which would mean being master of the evolution. This is my perception of the role of god controlling it - so it is, that I believe, that we are not complete. For me we are still just objects of an ongoing creation process, that would lead us becoming the likeness of god, which we certainly are not yet for now.


...what you see is what you get...


And so that's all from me by now... "Skating Away On The Thin Ice Of A New Day"...


 

 

 

...the infamous camel in the eye of a needle... ?

 
 
 



 

   

 


Lucy in the sky
with crazy diamonds


 
Damien Hirst: "For the Love of God"
 
 

 




Order out of Chaos



     


PERFECT PAIRING
Damien Hirst and Alexander McQueen



 

 


A Space Odyssey



...the infamous camel in the eye of a needle... ?

 





 

 




 

 



»...the right sense^^...«