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- 10 -
Sent: Monday, February 7, 2006 15:28 (MESZ)
Subject: PUBLIC NOTE
---- Last modified December 22, 2007 18:59 (MESZ) ---- ---- Last vision update March 2, 2018 11:27 (MESZ) ----
~ 10:3 ~
THE EXPOSING OF MY OWN PSYCHOTIC EXPERIENCE
- I AM THAT I AM + MEANT TO BE? -
- Introduction -
First of all I'd like to clarify, that everything I'm writing here, reflects solely my very own experience and how I personally
deal with it. I believe in objectivity, but no one should claim to be in possession of it. It's matter of our own responsibility, whom and what we love to believe.
Society is based upon some sort of consensus about what is right or wrong, but majorities also tend to err, especially in corruptive ways. The specifics of my
experience are, that I had "only" visual "hallucinations," i. e. I never heard any kind of voices in my head. That's the reason why it's almost impossible for me
to talk about it. And so I've collected many pictures in order to ease that communicative effort. I'd generally say, my experience touches religion, visionary art
and the complex relation between the sexes. Maybe I'd have to include some psychedelic lyrics in order to communicate that. Yes, it's very much about "Words Don't Come Easy".
...authentic petrified narciss...
- Definitions -
The first controversial issue is about whether a psychosis is a disease to be cured or not? I can't speak for all types of
psychosises, but for me the question is whether this world is a sick place? So a psychosis could be considered as a reaction to the sickness of the world. But, is
it a sick and "worthless" reaction and how could that contribute to some sort of healing, this planet I presume in need of? Spoken for myself, I'd say the
psychosis has not changed my personality, but my view and consciousness of the reality. It has made me religous and that's a big change. Generally there is an
opposite tendency, more and more people are losing faith. For me my new religous convictions have made life easier, because I've learned about boundaries -
boundaries of personal responsibility and faith in god. Also there is another attitude towards death. It doesn't mean, that I've lost the "natural" inhibition to
die, but it's just another attitude towards time and solitude. I don't have that pressuring feeling any more, of "having" to live in order not to
miss something in this life. It's just "Take It Easy Baby, Take It As It Comes" and fully
trusting the "own" inner feeling. But I wouldn't know how to convince anybody of god, who has never made such an experience. The easiest way to compare is with
dreams. In both cases our conscious control, or "ego," is switched off and we receive some sort of consciousness expansion, that we have to process consciously
afterwards. I'm still processing and so what I'm writing and exposing now, is just where I stand at this point of time. The trigger for me is in fact sleeplessness
due to schizophrenic problems, where the mind can't provide a solution, i. e. it's a sleeplessness from within. So if you can't solve the problem, the problem will
inevitably change your attitude towards it, or you'll get broken by it.
- Visions -
...virgin whore babylon...
This section contains some visual material collected, related to the problems. Yes, in order to understand "madness," one would
have to understand the world and it's problems as a whole. I don't blame psychiatrists for their inability, but I do for their bold-faceness. First I have this
collection of "Major Arcana" Tarot cards named FOOL'S JOURNEY EXODUS. The case is about
believing in coincidence. We can believe in one of coincidence or in god, but we all remain eternal believers, because there can't ever be a proof of coincidence.
Only god could prove himself and make an end to the suffering. That is also logical, because in order to distinguish between ourselves and god, we have to
painfully experience our own incapacity, through which we learn to understand god and trust "him." That's no excuse for failure, it's just the way I honestly see
it. Me for myself, I don't have any problem with such a view at all.
Here is a list of visions from presumed empathic perspectives grouped in pairs - somehow I seem to be addicted to group things in
pairs. I also did some creative artwork on my own, but I destroyed it. My "mission" seems to be the combination of the existing, which for me anyway is god-given,
like absolutely everything else. It's just given from "outside," in that case, while the "own" creativity is given from "within." So for me we all
don't possess anything but god's own reward, when by "coincidence" we are created by "him" to deserve it somehow.
FOOL ON THE HILL 1
FOOL ON THE HILL 2
FOOL ON THE HILL 6
FOOL ON THE HILL 8
- Conclusion -
...all you need is "eyes" that see...
Psychosis remains a phenomenon, especially for people affected by it. I believe, that the proof of right and wrong can only be
provided by god. So I have no solution, which I could act out upon, but I presume having some understanding of how god acts and I have faith and
optimism in a good outcome for the world as a whole. My effort to communicate the experience is limited, because the visions and intuitions go beyond
comprehension. This is logical, because god has his own plans and we are not to prevent them. I'm just "doing" what I can, in order to be part of
something positive and it's by anyone to recognize something positive in what I'm doing. But no one can claim to be the master of his fate, which would mean being
master of the evolution. This is my perception of the role of god controlling it - so it is, that I believe, that we are not complete. For me we are still just
objects of an ongoing creation process, that would lead us becoming the likeness of god, which we certainly are not yet for now.